Who The Fuck Am I Friend's With On Twitter?

A few months ago I finally joined Twitter. It's funny posting random things for the trending topics and trying to get celebrities to retweet you (c'mon Snoop!). I "follow" a lot of my friends from college, and they (I think) follow me back. 

A few weeks ago I followed a woman who I thought was a friend of mine from college. All seemed well, i twittered to her a few times and even though she didn't respond I didn't think anything of it. I graduated two years ago, she is currently a senior, so I just chalked it up to senior thesis writing hell. These tweets seemed to verify that 

Then the tweets started getting a little off. These tweets don't seem like anything, but they show thirstyness. And I do NOT have thirsty ass female friends. I never knew this friend to be much of a curser, or that girl that updates their status multiple times over a guy. So yeah, the stalker creep tweets made me wonder slightly....

And then the following tweets were tweeted. These are some of the most ratchet, but really it was like scooping a pail of hot mess out of a steaming barrel of hot mess. 

So obvi this is NOT my friend, and I should defs unfriend her right? Well right when I was about to she tweeted the following:

I think I'm gonna remain her friend just to enjoy the ratchet coaster ride.

A Round of Applause for Ms. Dumb Fuck

On an average day there are over 150 people that come through my job. Many are daily "regulars" who we've established relationships with (whether we actually wanted to or not? Completely different post.)

Anywho, today at 12:30 this afternoon, a woman came into the Center who I hadn't seen in a few months. It had been so long since I last saw this woman that I actually got hype. This is a woman (I'm just going to call her Ms. Madison for now, I'd call her Ms. Dumb Fuck, but given where I work, 98% of the people there are Mr./Ms. Dumb Fuck) is someone who uses the computers to go on Tagged.(I don't know if you've ever gone to the Tagged website. But it's basically the awkward stepchild between Myspace and Fuckbook).

Soooo Ms. Madison comes in, and I greet her, ask her how she's been, and ask her where she's been. I honestly expected her to just say, "around" but she replies, loud as hell, not in the least bit embarassed worried that anyone would hear: "Guuuuuuuuuuuurrrlll JAIL! Yeah I got into some money problems and I been in jail for the past 4 months!"


Here's what had happened was:

She stole a debit card from a Bank of America customer, put her picture on the card and came back to the bank and withdrew $25,000. Two weeks later, ONCE SHE RAN OUT OF MONEY (for word bitch?), she returned and did the same thing, her teller this time was not a complete fucking idiot, so she was quickly arrested. She spent 4 months in jail.

(sigh)
Here is my problem:
1. If she was so smart to do what she did, bitch could do something more productive that find random dudes to fuck in the neighborhood online.
2. BITCH SPENT $25G'S IN 2 WEEKS! Like it was nothing! Like it was a measly ass salary! Pocket change! You had enough money to live off for at least a year. And it was tax free too! That shit cray
3. She literally got out of jail this morning. So you mean to tell me that the first thing you do since returning back to the block is: a) not go to yo mamma's house b) not go to yo gamma's house c) not get a good meal or sleep in a comfy bed but d)get on Facebook! Really bitch! I know they got Facebook in jail for good behavior. That makes me judge you even harder. You couldn't even behave well enough in jail to get Facebook privileges....my people, my people.

You Gotta Problem? Call Roxanne

I work for a non-profit in NYC. I won't get into too many details but I will say that I oversee a computer lab utilized mainly by crackheads, alcoholics, and bums. There are a FEW people there who are actually about something and actually working towards something. A majority of our clients however just fuck around on facebook.

I LOVE it when people that are actually about something come into my job. It makes my day less ignorant. However, sometimes people need to get real about what they're doing, and where they really are in their life.

There is an old-school hip-hop star who comes to my job to utilize the computers. I won't blow up spots, but he was in a group, and he was named after a brand of clothes he always wore in like 1983. Well, it's 2012, and this guy came to my job yesterday to use a desktop. The thing is, we were closed for a computer class that we were teaching, so the cyber cafe was only open to people taking the class.
Anywho, said rapper (from now on let's call him Osh-Kosh) came through and was shocked when the door was locked and he saw the sign. He asked if I could let him in for a moment and I did, mainly because I know he's doing his thing. Also, he was probably hot from the bright ass orange shirt he was wearing....














Now this is where I will remind everyone that it probably is not that smart to mess with a perceptive Buddhist with an anger management problem....
Osh-Kosh proceeds to come in, and go on a giant rant about how he has an important deadline to meet (he started his own breast cancer awareness charity), and he was expecting to be on the computer for a few hours, and now his plans are all messed up because of US.

I apologized before I proceeded to cuss his ass out in numerical order.

1. I'm not quite sure why a computer lab is responsible for one's own procrastination. It's called a gamble, you took one and you fucking lost. Either roll again or get the fuck away from the table.
2. You can use the wi-fi but you can't use the desktops sir....YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN LAPTOP!?
3. YOU ARE FUCKING OSH KOSH! You don't have any royalties or notin? I saw yo ass on Unsung last week! Dude....
4. Wait! You mean to tell me that you don't get paid any money for wearing Osh Kosh? You've been known as this brand for 30 years, and you don't get paid a dime? Homie....
5. So, you mean to tell me you can't get Hot 97 or Kiss to play your song 2 or 3 times just so you can have five dollars in your pocket? You can't pull the "for the sake of hip-hop!" line!?
6. Not tryna be a bitch Osh Kosh, but with all the catepillars and robot dance moves you busted out with Lisa Lisa you should have a fuckin laptop.

That or call one of the Roxanne's...

It's Getting Easier and Easier to Spot Young Hoes in Training Now....

Internet is really speeding up childhood for kids now a days. 10 years ago when I was in middle school you just "heard" about the hoes, the "headie moe's" who were the first of your class to start giving fellatio to whoever commented on their outfit. Sometimes you actually knew them, and that was always awkward because no matter what you talked about you knew and they knew that that chick liked to suck....well you get the point. 
Anywho, I'm friends with my younger cousin on Facebook. This is a cousin who I remembered the day she was born. I did and still do babysit her, take her to the movies, hang out with her....


And now I'm pretty certain she's quickly on her way to becoming a hoe. 


It was bound to happen. Her mother was a hoe. Damn, that seems kinda harsh, given the fact that this is my very first blog post, but whatever. Grass is green, the sky is blue, I was the fat cousin, she was the hoe cousin. 


 What gets me about the hoe-gene is that it doesn't evolve. Just like Evelyn Lozada's granddaughter's will honor Abuelita's legacy by partying at the 2072 All Star Game, I see the budding sprouts of some smh-ism going on in my lil cuzzo. As you can see from her profile (yes I included a snapshot), she's the Biggah Boss, she has in the past and continues to be employed in the "being a boss at everything" field, which is recession proof i gather. What I would like to know is why can't this Biggah Boss become the boss of her own banking account and stop asking me for fucking money? Last I checked you asked me to buy you an iPhone last week. Why can't she find a job with the skills she's learned so far from school(she currently goes to "smacc a bitch high")?

But whatever, it's high school right? Kids are kids! They act silly and write stupid things all the time! Well of course they do, except when they, you know,take that shit seriously and decide to use a social networking site to chit-chat with friends, family, and rando ass creepers? What the hell does one discuss with a complete stranger at 12:47 on a Sunday morning? Going to Church I assume.......

Obviously S-A-B High School could improve on the Language Arts classes taught there, you know, in between the bitch a smacking. If people must pronounce the words you type out loud in order to understand what the hell you're saying, then you need to get off Facebook and get your face in a book. Smacc a Bitch High needs to start charging these bitches for gettin smacked, then maybe they could afford some dictionaries. And hey! I told you my lil Cuzzo was all about the Chuuuuuch, glad she made it...






















For those reading this thinking, "damn, she's going IN on her cousin". Well yeah, I am. Here is one of her boyfriends....

Do I really need to say anything else? Oh yeah, my people...my people.